What Am I Doing Here?

A year ago, in January 2018 I was away at our yearly Leadership Intensive with other leaders from church. Our pastor asked us to dig deep and dream big. He asked us to pray and asked the Lord to renew our hope in things we aspire to do. A “brand-new hope” he called it! It was the first time I had said out loud that I hope to write a book someday. Not just write a book but to then travel around the world on a book tour. After it was out in the room, I instantly felt a knot in my stomach. What made me say that aloud? Now they are going to expect me to write a book.

I spent the next several months having anxiety off and on about how to write a book. Most of the time talking myself out of abandoning my “brand-new hope.” I spent time telling myself that I do not have anything interesting to say. Comparing myself to those around me that I admire and deem more brilliant. I often define my writing as elementary and not eloquent. I write with simple words and not deep and profound ones. I want to sound scholarly, so others will find me interesting. It doesn’t help when I read stories written by others because it seems to validate my evaluation of myself. I had to do something but what? I enrolled in a Creative Writing class in the Fall of 2018.

Early in the semester I was struggling with a couple of writing assignments. So much so I started thinking about dropping the class. I talked myself off the ledge. You must talk to yourself sometimes. I made an appointment to meet with my professor for more clarity. As we were conversing, I revealed to him I was an over thinker. Well I thought I was revealing a secret to a man I never met. He responds back saying, “I know, and you are also very critical of yourself.” He then asked me why do I think I am this way when it comes to writing. I admitted that I was afraid to get it wrong. Now the next words out of his mouth was the beginning of my courage being awakened. He said, “Writing is neither right or wrong. If you continue to approach it this way you will never think you are good enough.”This is a big part of why I am here in this place now.

I have never written a blog before. I am pretty sure I don’t know what I am doing. Even with much uncertainty I know I am called to write. I am called to share my story and journey. I can’t hold on to something that’s not mine. I believe that blogging is a path that I must take before I reach the path of writing a book.

So, what am I doing here? I am facing my fears and starting my writing journey. I invite you to tag along and see where the journey takes me!